THIS POST IS LONG....just warning you now. :)
It was June 23rd, 2011 when we made this announcement. I was excited, scared, elated and terrified all at the same time. I have wanted a little girl since I was a little girl and it seemed that everything was working out so that I was finally going to get my wish. At the time of this announcement, we had been in the process for over a month.
We were hoping that it wasn't going to take very much time for our homestudy because it was just an update. We knew it would take a little time because we had to get child abuse checks from all the states we had lived in since we were 18. Between the two of us, that was 5 states. We waited and waited. One of the people doing a reference for us took MONTHS to get it done. With 3 of the states, we had to submit multiple requests for the background checks because they kept getting lost. Our first homestudy took 2 months to have in our hands. It felt like every where we turned in this adoption, we ran into obstacles. All I wanted was to get it done and go meet our daughter. I had stopped asking God for help because every time I asked, another barrier seemed to pop up. I WANTED MY GIRL AND I WAS GOING TO GO GET MY GIRL! I didn't even slow down to ask God if this was His will or not. (I am so ashamed to write that!) At the beginning of November (nearly 6 months since starting the process), we still didn't have our homestudy. One night, my husband said, "Are we doing the right thing?" It was a question out of the blue, but I knew exactly what he was referring to. I didn't look at him....I didn't answer him. My head simply hung and tears started to pour down my face. It seems that God had been speaking to my husband's heart (well, He had to because mine was closed to Him). On November 6th, I wrote the most difficult post I have ever written. I wanted to not care...I wanted to forget adoption....but most of all, I wanted to disappear.
It was several weeks later....my heart was raw and my faith was shaky. Why had God allowed this to happen? Why would He put this little girl on my heart to just take her away? While God did put adopting again on my heart, I truly do not think He put her on my heart. I put her in my heart and, in reality, pushed my husband into saying yes to her.
Let me back up a minute...when we started the adoption process again, my first choice was to go back to Serbia. But we had been told that Serbia had closed its international adoption program at that point. At the end of November, I saw a blog post that confused me. It was a family adopting - from Serbia and they were in Serbia completing the adoption. I sent a message and was told that Serbia was not closed and I was given the email address for the Ministry of Adoption in Serbia.
At first, I didn't say anything to Hubby. Like I said, I wanted to forget adoption. Then one night (I think it was about 2 weeks later), I casually mentioned to him what I had found out. He looked perplexed and said, "So, have you emailed the ministry?" I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to think, let alone say. I think I just stared at him with my mouth open waiting for words to come out. I had just lost a daughter. I was not going to put myself in that place again. So, once again, God spoke to my husband. He asked me everyday for a week if I had emailed the ministry. *Emailing is my job here...Hubby says that he doesn't write as well as I do....flattery!*
It was the beginning of January before I emailed anyone. I was told that there were a couple kids available that fit our criteria, but I couldn't get any detailed information until we submitted a dossier. My social worker had finished up our homestudy by this point (just in case she said) so she just had to change the country we were approved to adopt from. It was the end of January when our dossier made a trip across the ocean. It was translated in just a few days and submitted. The day after it was submitted, the Ministry gave us information on 2 children....a girl and a boy. I kept hearing a whisper in my ear saying the boy was ours. "God, I don't want to hear it. I WANT A GIRL!" And again, "He is yours. The girl is not." And my stubborn argument, "I don't care...I want a girl!" It was finally my husband (do you see a pattern here) that asked me why I was arguing with God. We both knew that the little boy was the one we were supposed to bring home. Well, if you read my blog, you know how that ended. This time last year, we were in Serbia getting to know our son. He did come home with us. He and Vlado are brothers in every sense of the word. I know that it isn't God's will for a child to grow up away from his biological family....but still, I believe our boys were meant to be brothers.
Fast forward to the beginning of this year. I started having baby fever again. This time, I spent many hours on my knees begging God for his direction. He kept saying, "Wait." Now, I'm not patient..not even a little bit as is evidenced by the above story. But I didn't want to push it. I couldn't go where I had been before because I chose to be disobedient to God's voice. So, wait we did.
Then, on March 21st, a little girl was listed with Reece's Rainbow. Looking at her face made my breath catch and my eyes to fill with tears. "Kamdyn" was staring back at me, but she wasn't a baby anymore. She was a little girl.
She was a little girl that needed a Mama. But a feeling in the pit of my belly said that it wasn't me....it can't be me.....they won't approve us to adopt her when we released her before. Still, when my husband got home from work that night, I turned my computer screen to him and told him that she had been relisted. He grinned, made a small sound of approval and said, "Let's go get her."
My eyes brows flew up and once again I gaped at him with no words coming out. Yet again, God was using my husband to speak to me.
I am sure that many who read this will judge us. They will ask us how we can be sure that we will complete this adoption. They will say that we don't deserve a second chance since we released her before. I can say that I agree with you. I have judged myself over and over. I almost said no because I was afraid she would be taken away again. And most definitely we don't deserve a second chance from her birth country. BUT GOD! He has made it clear to us that this is the path we need to be on. He has led us here and He is the one in control this time.
For those trollish people, you might as well just not comment. I moderate comments and will not post your hate. In reality, I won't even read it. As soon as I see hatefulness, it is deleted. :) Fair warning!